The Creepy Case of the Curious Old Ladies

The victims? All babies in strollers.

The criminals? Old ladies milling around doing their various errands.

The crime? Staring at each and every stroller that walks by hoping their x-ray vision will kick in, allowing them to see the baby being kept inside.

I digress… Every old lady has no idea that babies have personal space. In fact, in order for these women to keep their “annoying grandma” status they must be within 1 foot of a cute babies at all time. In the very least, they need to be attempting to make eye contact with the child. This proves to be quite the challenge, so they escape from their lives to troll the aisles of various stores looking for babies to ogle.

I believe that the older people become, the more freedoms they allot for themselves. Case and point: when you are young, you follow the rules of the road (or in the very least attempt to do so). Now take a look at all the horrendous old drivers out there who believe the rules of the road don’t exist for them because when they were young they “walked uphill both ways to school”. Elderly women believe that their age allows them to intrude on the lives of the young and fertile. I’m here to argue the point. Just because you existed when hippies were around does not mean you have the right to come within an inch of my baby’s face.

I have a theory. The older you get, the stronger your “baby-radar” becomes. The baby radar is the part of the female brain that reacts whenever a baby enters a room. When you are young the alarm is barely noticeable, but as you get older it becomes more and more prominent. As you age the beeping gets louder and louder, until you reach the point where you cannot stop the noise without turning into the proverbial cheek-pincher. You need to go up to every stroller you see and comment on the baby. You need to know their name, age, gender, birthdate, diet, family history, etc. It may sound like I am exaggerating, but truly I am not. It must be exciting, strolling the aisles of Wal-Mart for looking for babies while on leave from the retirement home.

Perhaps these women have been so tarnished by all their years on the planet that they forgot that it has never been socially acceptable to stare inside a covered stroller without invitation. Why is it that people are so wary of strangers, but have no problem harassing a woman with her child?

Now one of these women may be your grandmother, and she may be mine. So all I can say is this: although it may not seem like it, babies have personal space too!

Case closed: The older you get, the more you feel the need to recapture your childhood in any way possible. What is more symbolic of the fountain of youth than pooping, crying, screaming babies? That, my friends, is the question of the hour.

The prey: Babies, the everlasting symbol of youth, 

The predator: Aging women trying to regain some trace of childhood innocence. 

After having reviewed the facts of the case, I have decided that a) I really don’t like strangers near my baby; b) Babies deserve personal bubbles too; and c) If you ever want to know where the old ladies hang out, look no further than your nearest Wal-Mart.